153 Grandma Jokes Even Your Granny Would Find Lovely (2024)

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

���You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I���m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.���

���Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?���

���What��� You���re coming empty handed?���

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I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma, not screaming in terror like her passengers.

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What is the similarity between a grandmother and a website?

You can't deny the cookies.

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I asked my grandpa: "After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?"

Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her."

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Before our grandma died, her last words were, "Don't keep the funeral too early, I am not a mourning person."

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My grandma loves Rihanna's song about forgetful grans. She always sings along and says, "Oh Nana, what's my name?"

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"What did grandma and grandpa do before there was the Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?", I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

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Every time my grandma sees me at weddings, she always walks up to me and say, ���You are next���. I have decided to tell her the same thing but at funerals.

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So I asked my grandma where the office is located to take my grandpa for his Alzheimer���s appointment. She forgot. Guess the appointments for 2 now.

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My grandma���s bedtime is three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.

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A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ���Oh,��� he said, ���She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we���re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.���

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My grandmother asked me about my long-distance relationship. I told her, so far, so good.

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Grandma, how old are you?
"A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.

He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"

"Six" she said.

"And the second?"

Grandma sighed. "Seven."

"And the third?"

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What did the grandma say when her grandson asked a question about gravity?

It is a pretty attractive field.

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"What is it called when your grandma becomes an irritating facebook woman?"

"Sharon is Karen"

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I asked my grandma is she had any jokes. She responded that she had six of them, pointing at her six children.

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My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker. So I told her to roll them tighter.

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Shout-out to my grandma. Because that's the only way she can hear me.

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I asked my grandmother how she���s enjoying her new stairlift.

She said, ���It���s driving me up the wall.���

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My grandma was talking about the good old days and said, ���In my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!��� and, We grew up with nothing but we were happy���

I replied, ���Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!���

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A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his grandma, ���How was I born?���

His grandma awkwardly answers, ���The stork brought you.���

���Oh,��� says the boy. ���Well, how were mummy and daddy born?���

���Um, well, the stork brought them, too, and your grandpa and I.���

The boy begins his paper, ���This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn���t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.���

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On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, ���Honey, I���ll see you in heaven!���

Since then, he���s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

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My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day since she was 57. She���s 92 now, and we have no idea where she is.

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"My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair."

"Nice way to go."

"The dentist was very upset, though."

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A girl is singing her favorite songs. Her grandma comes in the room and says:

"Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: "And you came to listen granny!?"

Grandma: "Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

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Why did the grandmother throw the watch out of the window?

She wanted to see time fly.

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Grandmas put wheels on their rocking chairs so that they can rock and roll.

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When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said ���World���s Best Grandma.���

She urned it.

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A dying grandma tells her grandchild, ���I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.���

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, ���Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn���t even know you had a farm. Where is it?���

With her last breath, grandma whispered, ���Facebook.���

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"Hey grandson, what's the name of that german man who makes me go crazy?"

"Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer"

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I like Ouija boards. It's the only game I can still play with grandma.

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How did Grandma describe her cataract surgery?

It was an eye-opening experience for her.

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My grandmother was a Math teacher. We were discussing infinity the other day, and it kept going on forever.

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What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

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A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "Why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing." The boy replies, "Yes but grandma is."

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My sister put our grandma on speed dial. I guess now we can call her Insta- gran.

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Why do grandmas smile all the time?

Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

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My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.

Visitors only see the nice china.

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I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking. We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

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My great grandma couldn���t stop giggling at our large family barbecue. I asked her what she found so funny? ���Everyone here is alive, because I got laid.��� she said.

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"Did your grandma give you her bread recipe?"

"Yes, we often trade recipes on a knead-to-know basis."

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My grandmother offered me a melon for my evening snack.

I was feeling melon-cholic.

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My brother was feeling shy while singing karaoke in front of the whole family. Grandma said, "Don't be shy, just duet."

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My father told my grandmother every day that she needs a new hearing aid, but she would not listen.

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My boss at work said to me today, ���Do you believe in the supernatural and life after death?���

���Yes, I think so,��� I replied.

He said, ���I thought you probably would. Yesterday after you left early to go to your grandmother���s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you.���

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My friend told me his family was having a 92nd birthday party for his grandma.

I said, ���That���s awesome, but you can���t really have much of a party in a minute and a half.���

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An old man is lying on his death bed. When he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie." The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

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My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

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My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?"

I said, "It's you."

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Grandma was making lasagna when suddenly an entire US division came crashing through her door. She put a little too much oil in the lasagna.

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How come grandmas are so good at learning different languages so quickly?

They are always grandma-tically correct.

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What changed grandma's opinion about heart transplants?

She had a change of heart.

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I suggested that my grandmother throw a space-themed party. She's asked me to plan-et.

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My grandmother retired from the job of a Math teacher. She is figuring out the aftermath.

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Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

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"As a family we couldn't decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated
So in the end, we let her live." ��� Gary Delaney

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I keep telling my Grandma that she needs hearing aids. But she just won't listen.

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My Grandma told me all her friends had AIDS. I told her I was sorry for them and she asked me to speak up. She too had AIDS, hearing aids.

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An old woman is lying on her deathbed when her youngest granddaughter, holding back tears, says to her: "I love you, Grandma." The old woman replies:
"Oh yeah? Name 3 of my albums."

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My grandma changed her hair color while taking a nap. She dyed peacefully in her sleep.

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Why was grandma in such a hurry while making pasta sauce for the dinner guests?

It was already 8pm and she was running out of thyme.

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Have you heard about the grandma who recently went through brain surgery?

She was reluctant at first but later changed her mind.

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"Have you seen the sweater my grandmother made me?"

"It's pretty knit."

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Why did grandma leave the job at the glue factory?

She could not stick with it.

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What did grandma say when the doctor told her, that he suspects her DNA was reversed?

"And"?

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What did the grandma reply when her confused grandson asked her about cloning?

She replied, "I don't know dear, and that will make two of us."

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What kind of shoes does a grandma like?

Grandma prefers slip-on overshoes, because why knot?

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What happens when you forget to take off your lenses before a good night's sleep with grandma?

Your dreams are really clear.

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What is the similarity between a grandmother's dentures and stars?

Both come out at night.

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What did grandma say about the rooftop party?

"It was not the best, but it is up there."

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What happened when the clown sang a birthday song for grandma?

She appreciated the sweet jester.

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What did grandma say about her son on her birthday?

"He worked as a banker, but soon enough he lost interest."

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I asked my grandmother how Rome was divided into two parts. She said: "With a pair of Ceasars."

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I accidentally dropped a soda can on my grandmother's head. Thank god it was a soft drink.

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While cleaning the room, one book fell on my grandmother. She has her-shelf to blame.

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One day I sang a song about the tortilla guy to my grandma. Actually, it was more of a rap.

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I was working on a D.I.Y project in which I was making a belt out of watch straps. My grandmother said, "It's a waist of time."

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My grandmother suggested that I become an electrician when I grow up because the job requirement is shocking.

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I asked my grandmother for ���something Cuban��� for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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My Grandma's favorite saying life is the ultimate disease. It's sexually transmitted and terminal.

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What do you call a 27-year-old woman in Mississippi?

Grandma.

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Kid 1 to kid 2: "Does your grandma still like to slide down the stairway hand rail?"

Kid 2: " Well, we wrapped barbed wire around the rail."

Kid 1: "Did that stop her?"

Kid 2: "Naw, but it sure slows her down."

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My dad went with my grandma to the doctors office, and we found out she was diagnosed with dementia a year, but she forgot to tell us.

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I don't know why my grandma got kicked out of Knitting club. She only asked the others if they wanted to make glove.

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You can tell that your grandma is old enough to retire the moment she starts bragging about her age instead of lying about it.

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Why did the grandma ask her grandson not to work at the candle factory?

Because he will have to work even on wick-ends.

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What happened after grandmother decided to become vegan?

Every time I meet her, it feels like I never met her'bivore.

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Why was the grandma not happy when her grandson took the job of an archaeologist?

Because his career lay in ruins.

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What did the grandmother say when her granddaughter asked her about her cat's condition?

Grandma replied, "The cat is f-el-ine now."

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What did grandma say about her career as a young girl?

I worked at the shoe showroom, and then they gave me the boot.

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What did grandmother say about grandpa's stair construction work?

She said, "He had to work really hard. It was an up and down business."

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How did grandma agree to get spine surgery?

She told me, "It was holding me back for a really long time."

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Why do grandmas hate stairs?

They suspect them as they are always up to something.

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What did I say to my grandma when she asked me to help her with an ark?

I told her I Noah guy.

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What happened when grandma decided to take action against the airline for losing her luggage?

She lost her case.

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What did grandmother suggest when the thermostat stopped working?

Grandma told me to stand at the corner of the room, as they are always around 90 degrees.

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"Why do seagulls only fly over the sea, grandmother?"

"If they fly over bays, they will be called bay-gal."

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Grandma got some wheels for her rocking chair. She wanted to rock and roll.

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Grandpa: Don���t come in here honey, I just passed a silent one.

Grandma: You need a new battery for your hearing aid.

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Boy aged 4: Dad, I���ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful, do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes, grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too, and she���s the best cook and storyteller in the whole world!

Dad: That���s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

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Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

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My grandma got more money from her bank with a deposit slip and fall.

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Grandmas count pennies because they are the only ones who have the time.

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In an interview, a grandma was asked what she thought is the best thing about being 103 and her response was, "No peer pressure."

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Why did grandmother stop going to the gym?

It was not working out.

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What did grandma do when she was feeling lonely?

She bought some shares because she wanted company.

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Why did grandma stay up all night?

She wanted to see where the sun went. The next day, it dawned on her.

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What happened when grandma accidentally dropped the basket of ironed laundry?

We watched it all unfold.

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How was grandmother's 92nd birthday party?

It was an emotional moment for all of us, even the cake was in tiers.

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Why was grandmother not able to go to the library?

Because it was all booked.

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What did grandma say every time she heard an insect joke?

She said, "Oh stop it, these jokes really bug me."

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Why did grandma buy so many candles from the sale?

It was a big blow out.

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My grandmother is not a big fan of velcro. She says it is a big rip-off.

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Grandma accidentally spilled some milk on the rug while making some milkshakes. It was a pour decision.

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When Zoomers tell their mom that grandma called, they say "Boomerang."

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My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish. She���s dead and berried.

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My grandma has this crazy idea about an apple that���s sour and way better than any other apple.

But we just call that granny���s myth.

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Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live. But I'm still not paying the ransom.

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I was on the phone with my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.

I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".

She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."

So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"

She replied, "No, he's dead."

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Teacher to Student

T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so I was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

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Two electricians are up on a pole. A granny walks by. One of the electricians shouts at the granny:

��� Hey grandma, can you hold that cable that's on the ground next to you for a bit, please?

The granny picks up the cable. The same electrician then states to the other:

��� Told you it was the ground.

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Little girl: "Grandma, make a noise like a frog." Grandma: "Why?"

Little girl: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

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My grandma got a new hearing aid. "It was $5", she said. "What kind is it?" I asked. "Ten-o-clock."

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My grandma called and told me she had a cataract removed. I told her, ���Yeah I know, granny. They got my car too.���

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Today my grandma overhead me say that I didn���t like Cvrches. She yelled at me.
She thought I said churches.

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A few days ago was grandparents day at school. I saw one grandma with the number 420 on her wrist! What a silly grandma.

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Little Johnny does poetry. One day in English class, Little Johnny is asked to write a poem. He gets up in front of class and tells them "I've named this poem Old Lady's Underpants. "Rose's are red, Violet's are blue, Grandma's are purple."

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We moved my 87-year-old grandma into a nursing facility run by nuns. It's assisted living.

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Last night I asked my grandma how her life would be affected if a vegan moved next door to her. She told me it won���t affect her in anyway because she���s a grandma.

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Why was grandma arrested for taking a picture?

She was framed.

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Heard about the dinosaur-themed tea party at grandma's place?

She asked me to get tea-rex.

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Why was grandma so fascinated by a reversible sweater she was knitting?

She said, "I want to see how it turns out."

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What did grandma have to say when asked about the process of making pickles from cucumbers?

She said they go through a jarring experience.

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One fine day, I asked my grandmother about a mechanic. She gave me his number and said he is highly wreck'a'mended.

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Grandma just returned from an ophthalmologist. He said there's nothing to worry about, she still has a great vision, and that is truly spec-tacular at this age.

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What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas?

"Gee, you knit?"

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I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin. Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

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Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall.

So, my grandma was walking down the street and her neighbor, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.

Naturally, my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she was alright, had she hurt herself? "No", she said, "I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper."

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My fondest childhood memory was making sand castles with grandma. Until my mother hid the urn.

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A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?". The boy replied "I'm just doing what it says on the TV, grandma. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

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My grandma sometimes lays out sunflower seeds so birds will come and eat them. Instead, some Middle Eastern guys showed up and made themselves comfortable with their shisha.

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Woman: (flashing diamond ring) ���Look what happened last weeeeek!���

Friend: ���OMG really?!??!���

Woman: ���That���s riiight,��� she continues waving the ring around. ���Grandma diiiiied.���

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I often lay awake at night wondering if, in retrospect, my grandfather's hard work will be rewarded with some sense of peace or closure after my dementia-ridden grandma passes. Damnit!!! And my socks don't match.

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My grandma speaks Spanish and it's hard to understand what she is saying so I've decided to read her body language. But the only thing I've been able to come up with is that she wants to go back to Mexico because everything is hanging south.

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Grandma was watching news and suddenly a story came saying a man was driving the wrong way down the highway. Nervous, she called grandpa to warn him and make sure he���s okay because that what he does every night.

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What happened when grandma visited the dentist?

She came home and said, "I didn't like him at first, but I wasn't mean to him because I know he has fillings."

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What happened at the costume party?

We dressed up as cashews, and grandma thought we were nuts.

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What happens when you decide not to eat grandma's dinner but get packed food?

The next day grandma gets angry because her whole plan got foiled.

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My grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid.

My grandma: "It's the most expensive one you can buy, it cost me $4,000."

My dad: "What kind is it?"

My grandma: "It's 4:15pm."

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My grandma has ingrained this silly joke since I was young: "What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam!"

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I love my late grandma for being a great mathematician. She sent me a sine from beyond.

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What is a grandma sheep called?

A baaaa-nana.

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My Mennonite Grandma told me these ones:

"What do you call a bad Mennonite poet? Corny Reimer."

"Why do mennonites wear condoms? To stop the spread of Abes."

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